Something about Turning 44 - Can You Relate?
I woke up the day after my 44th birthday and had this weird, almost depressing feeling. It was not a normal, whoo-hoo it’s my birthday weekend. For the first time of any age before, I felt like I embodied the term “mid-life.” To live to be 88 would be amazing. But, for me it’s not about the years reaching a certain number, rather days full of health, joy, happiness and love to whatever age that may be.
In a day, it was as if I crossed over a mountain top and literally came face to face with the second half of life. So much up to this point has been building. Building a family, a career, relationships, a life. All the things that make you feel like you are growing up.
I now recognize this second half is no longer about building or growing up, just GROWTH. At once, time seems finite and years limited. So, my random and overly curious mind sent me into an internet wormhole. I started researching. I Googled “the age of 44” to see what popped up. The first article I found was this one - 44 -The age of depression and start of mid-life crisis. Oh goodness…
I continued to scroll and discovered, I’m not crazy. Lots of people at this same age have written reflective pieces trying to make sense of the peculiarities.
I am a big fan of the U-curve of Happiness. In the last year, I have had this conversation with multiple friends and peers. Life changes have delivered heartfelt days and are making me pause and accept what feels like an unknown, gray spot in life. I also see this play out when I listen to older adults talk about life. My mom and her friends all claim their 70’s have started off as what feels like the happiest days of their lives despite loss and new health challenges.
This research, and model are not true for all people. Critics note true happiness is influenced by so many other factors. Happiness does not stand alone. It is a state. A choice. A mindset highly dependent on everything else occurring and impacting life. Yet, conversations with others ensue as we admit grappling with, and trying to understand this perplexing state of adulthood. A collision of the past, present and future. Still growing, but being grown up. Still learning, but influencing others. Still scaling and dreaming, but recognizing and applauding peers achievements. Often times losing sight of self to tend to the titles you have amassed. Self, parent, spouse/partner, professional, friend, son/daughter, neighbor, you name it.
Am I unhappy? Am I depressed? Absolutely not. I love so many things about life. But I also think it is worthwhile to talk about hard things. For leaders to be vulnerable. To understand people. To relate. To learn how to be more empathetic. Then, on the other hand, to wildly celebrate people and revel in their joys and accomplishments. Even if it burns or exposes your own weakness or missed opportunity. To praise the families you want to emulate. To compliment parents that make raising children look easy. To acknowledge people who find balance and create boundaries to protect their happiness. I never thought I would have more role models in my mid 40’s than I did in my teens and early 20’s. But I do. And I freaking love it.
My forties have started off to be a decade of acquiring knowledge and experiences. Best laid plans can quickly become diverted for a myriad of reasons. Adaptability has become a teacher. Resilience begins to sprout as we manage through scenarios of loss and change. We begin to see our parents in a new light. This is the season where parents often become best friends and conversations are much different. You learn to protect your time. You start saying NO, without apology or guilt. You look differently at your health. Physical, cognitive and emotional well-being matter more. You better understand sleep and rest. Quick naps and quiet weekends at home are a welcomed reprieve. You pay more attention to diet. You invest in self-care. You admit you need supplements and vitamins. Routine medical exams are key. Listening to your body reaches a new level. Intentionality emerges.
What’s the Point?
Compartmentalizing and separating personal from professional looks different than previous decades. How you work, lead, follow, relate, respond, produce and create are all products of what has, and is presently occurring in life. You show up with your whole self; scars, successes and smiles.
While we can succumb to the idea that midlife is a crisis, we also have the choice to find happiness and joy in the every day, little things. We learn that gratitude is a daily mindset. We manage through change and find better ways to cope with hardships. We stop chasing, and start living. We lessen comparing, and acknowledge there will always be those with so much more, and so much less. Friend circles start to decline. You protect what feels like limited amounts of time and choose not to invest in people when real conversations are absent. Your best friendships deepen and strengthen.
In a time to choose how you spend your minutes, days and years; spend them with people that make your heart smile. My present to myself was the blog photo. A simple phrase that reminds me we all need people. That community and connection are vital, and beautiful. That wonderland is yours to define, create and explore!
Hang in there.
You are not crazy.
You are exactly where you are supposed to be even if it doesn’t make a lick of sense.
