From Community to Citizenship - Inspired by Jill-Vitale Aussem
I have always known that community requires participation, but after hearing Jill Vitale-Aussem talk at Evolve Tuesday it became obvious it community is only the starting point, not the end goal. For too long we have viewed residents as customers and consumers, attempting to meet all their needs and requests while they sit back waiting and watching for resolution. How does this promote purpose and empowerment? Two industry words we throw around on websites and collateral not fully understanding what they really mean. When we are able to recognize residents at a community as citizens, an integral part of problem solving, innovation, order, best practices and future goals, that is when we create an environment of purposeful living and empowerment. We depend upon the citizens to use their skills and talents. Community evolves to citizenship when a collection of everyone’s best assets displayed at the right moments in time.
Last September I moved into a sleepy hollow condo community. I thought to myself, this will be great. There are about 50 units, and an obvious demographic I love and feel so at home with - Older adults, mostly retired, living life on their terms. As I observed the daily interactions, it was a new goal to “grow up and be like them.” They have worked hard, downsized and spend lots of days taking their golf carts to the course, moving about without haste, and savoring moments of quietness and neighborly chats in the Florida sunshine.
I noticed lots of parking lot banter and conversation about seemingly insignificant topics when people would take out the trash or wipe down their cars and carts. A calmness that is palatable. It is absolutely idyllic. Much different than my life with 5 and 8 year old boys (aka animals).
It all seemed ideal… until I quickly realized we were in such different places in life. While their mornings consist of porch time coffee in pj’s enjoying the stillness of the morning, my boys run around like hyenas trying to get ready for school. Sometimes they run out back and throw a rock, wrestle with each other on the patio, or check on a caught tadpole or lizard from the night before. We have been “hushed” a few times. We collectively chuckle like scorned school children. I remark, we have to be courteous, but you are not in trouble. You are children.
Two weeks ago, I learned at the last HOA meeting, #105 was a topic of conversation and complaints. We were identified as “loud, rule breaking, unauthorized players on the golf course and toy leaving nuisances.” It hurt me. I received a letter from the landlord as a warning. UGH
The boys are members of the golf course, so they can play anytime. If riding your bike in a parking lot is a crime, then, yes, we are guilty. Full transparency, they did treat a large palm plant unkindly and 3 weeks later it is still showing signs of obvious recovery. My first instinct was to become defensive. That day I learned firsthand, that ageism is absolutely two-sided.
Moving is not an option and I love where I live, but I knew I had to make peace. How can I show that these loud, wild little boys are people with kind hearts, extremely impressionable and in need of the influence from older adults? I explained to the boys that we were known to others as the loud family that can be disturbing at times. They understood. We agreed we would check ourselves at 7:30am when we race to the car cackling and carrying on, excited for school. It is not respectful even if this is our schedule and this type of raucous is absolutely acceptable at dad’s house where neighbors are all participating in the same morning routine.
We got to baking cookies and making rice crispy treats! Our goal was to place goodie bags on people’s porches who were within earshot proximity. We made cards, colored pictures of insanely abstract art that was said to be a dinosaur or beach. We told them thanks for being such a great neighbor and apologized that sometimes we are a bit loud. We attached a picture of the boys to the cards, so they do look presentable and wear shoes.
Within 2 hours on a Sunday morning, we had 3 new visitors. No one called or text asking if they could stop by. They just knocked on the door. Stood in the breezeway, thanked us for the cookies and told us their stories of how long they had lived here. Family that visited. A husband they were caretaking for. Recovering from a broken femur and her less than desirable story of being in skilled rehab when COVID first started. They asked what recipe we used for the cookies (the one in the bag that you add an egg and butter😊). If the boys made them on their own, and what we were doing the rest of the day.
The boys have one grandparent that is still living. They have since gained a slew of new friends that will absolutely tell them what they need to do to respect the unwritten community laws and treat the grounds as they should. That includes not climbing on the tree that looks as if it is going to break, not scaling the awning pole that is fairly weak and thin, being nice to the plants and picking up their toy cars in the walkway. My children became humans. Little people that are discovering the world the same as their children and grandchildren once did.
My neighbors are no longer #101, #103, #107 and the same cadence above. Instead people. Mary who at 82 smiled with pure joy as she told us how she loved watching the boys play in the pouring rain and wished she could go down and splash with them. Linda who is caring for her ailing husband and takes care of boocoos of patio plants, always spraying down the walk when it is dirty. Tom, the self-elected mayor who takes care of the 2 bat boxes, patrols the grounds and knows everything that is happening. Sue and Tina upstairs who decided 20 years ago they would move forward with their relationship even in a small suburb that was not accepting of a gay lifestyle.
Such situations always make me contemplate the idea we have when people move into a senior living community. You just expect friendships to happen. If you live near someone that is of the same age, surely you will share common interests. I thought when I moved in it would be easy to meet and connect with the neighbors. It wasn't. And now I know that I am directly responsible for making that conversation happen. In one act there was an element of culture created that is the foundation for ongoing dialogue for not only community, but citizenship. We all play a role here. Even if there is an HOA that outsources gardening, cleaning, trash pick up, maintenance and so forth. If we do not all participate, get to know one another and respect and honor the different stages in life and daily routines, we are merely people living side by side, not neighbors who create a culture of acceptance and support.
Don’t wait for someone to start the conversation or introduce themselves to you. Be proactive. If you possess skills that you know will begin to establish culture, do it. Encourage those around you to step out and connect and contribute, instead of sitting back waiting on someone or something else to make life enjoyable for all!
